How to listen

When was the last time someone listened to you – truly listened?

In a world full of distractions, being a good listener is a rare superpower. And it’s one anyone can master.

There’s one quality that makes you a great listener. Best of all, it’s nothing complex or unattainable – it’s something we all have within us. Once you embrace it, you’ll never listen the same way again.

Why listen?

There are many conventional ideas about the benefits of good listening: better relationships, more effective communication, improved teamwork and leadership, personal growth, and so on.

But these are only second-order effects. They are the surface appearances of something deeper. You can have them all but would completely miss the point of why good listening is important.

Good listening is about magic.

It’s the transformative, almost mystical quality when two people truly connect through a deep sense of understanding. It opens up a space that would be inaccessible without it.

The best approximation to this magic is an excerpt from the book Momo by Michael Ende, a children’s book that is actually for adults. In one of the first chapters, he describes the effect Momo has on the people around her.

So how does she do it? What is different when Momo listens?

What makes a great listener?

If you follow conventional advice, a great listener is someone who…

• Shows interest by nodding or giving verbal cues (e.g., “I see,” “That must be tough”).
• Paraphrases and reflects back by repeating or summarizing, such as, “So what you’re saying is…” to show they’re paying attention.
• Use open body language and mirroring by leaning slightly forward, making eye contact, and maintaining a posture that indicates openness (arms uncrossed, facing the speaker) to signal attentiveness and interest.
• … and so on, you get the idea.

But to say that someone who does all of this is a great listener is like saying that copying the movements of a great piano player is the same as making music. It’s surface behavior. If you’ve ever watched someone aggressively paraphrase another person, you’ll know it can be robotic and fake.

That’s because those behaviors are just a byproduct of great listening. The underlying qualities from which they flow are presence and empathy.

But even if you cultivate these qualities to perfection, there is still something missing. Because, while these qualities are important for good listening, there is only one that is required. A prerequisite. Necessary.

You can have the greatest presence or be the most empathetic person, and still be a poor listener. What is that missing something?

It’s curiosity.

As long as you are not curious you will not be a good listener.

Because curiosity is the source of all the other qualities. When you’re truly curious, you’re automatically present. More empathetic. More skillful. You are one of your truest, most honest, most sincere selves, because you cannot fake that. Curiosity is the source of all the other qualities.

Curiosity alone is enough to be good. Combine it with presence and empathy, and you become great.

Curiosity

So if you want to be a good listener, you first must be curious. How? And what is curiosity?

It’s both a desire and an expression of value. You become curious when you sense that something might be important to you. And you want to learn more.

For example, from a practical point of view, you’re probably curious when you meet someone who is interested in the same things you are. Or works in a similar field. Or when they might have an answer to one of your struggles. It makes you curious because it is valuable.

But you might also be curious from an emotional perspective – perhaps you simply find a person so fascinating that any interaction with them feels precious. Being in their presence becomes a sheer pleasure. Building that connection with this person is so valuable that everything they do makes you curious.

We all value something. But to be a great listener, in addition to valuing the specific topic of the conversation, you need to value human beings to a very high degree. To appreciate the other person’s accumulated knowledge and subjective experiences.

If you are not very interested in listening to someone, then you don't see their value. To start listening sincerely in these situations, you simply have to look deeper. Because everyone is interesting if you're curious enough.

Becoming a great listener

But to move from merely good to great listening, the other qualities – presence and empathy – also become important.

While becoming curious will automatically improve these, you can still deliberately practice becoming more present and empathetic.

Presence

As with trying to describe “magic” or other states of consciousness, language doesn’t seem enough to define presence. It can only point in its direction. My best attempt to describe presence is through an example.

Imagine you are at a classical concert. You hear an orchestra playing, and the piece has just ended. This is the moment when you can see and feel presence. The conductor and the musicians remain upright and attentive. Then, first the conductor relaxes, then the orchestra, and then the audience. The moment between the end of the piece and the release is pure presence.

The same kind of presence is what makes a great listener.

But great listeners don’t just listen to another person. They also listen to themselves. How does what you hear affect you? What does it do to you on an emotional level? This is extremely useful because it helps you to not react. Because if you do, for example if you take things defensively, you might break the connection.

The best way I know to develop presence is through meditation. Because you could say that meditation is already about listening – listening to your surroundings, your thoughts and sensations. It’s deliberate listening practice. (See this guide from /r/streamentry as a good place to start.)

Interestingly, the practice of being present already increases your level of curiosity. You look deeper and deeper and can't stop discovering more things to be curious about.

Empathy

If presence is about making people feel seen, empathy is about making them feel heard.

Because while presence holds space for the other person, empathy is about relating to the other person on a thinking and feeling level. This is because you see their thoughts through your own lens. You are simulating both their internal thinking and emotional state through your own perspective and experience.

One way to deliberately practice empathy is through a mindfulness practice called Metta, or loving-kindness meditation. You can think of it as developing a strong wish for the well-being and happiness of both yourself and others. This is literally training your empathy muscle.

You can find more information about Metta in the same guide I mentioned above.

Conclusion

The essence of great listening lies in one fundamental quality: curiosity. It’s the driving force behind the other qualities that make a listener truly exceptional, presence and empathy. Without curiosity, none of these matter; you simply won’t care enough.

But once you’ve ignited your curiosity, developing these qualities becomes important as well. This is what takes you from being merely good to being great.

You already are a person full of curiosity. Follow it, and you won’t listen the same way again.

Thanks to Michelle Wu, Lina Schrott, Sofia Vanhanen, and Rico Trebeljahr for inspiring conversations and for reading drafts of this.

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